5 Years Of Marriage: What I've Learned So Far

Okay, this is a definite change of pace from my normal blog posts, but it's an important change to make.  You see, today marks my fifth wedding anniversary.  Yeah, seriously...it's been five years.  Lindsay actually said it a few times in the last hour or two..."Five years is kind of a long time."  It doesn't feel that way...like, not even a bit.  Five years has blown by.  But the fact that it's blown by doesn't mean there haven't been things to learn along the way, for both of us.  And one of those things that I have learned is that every couple can learn from what other couples do, both good and bad.  In fact, one of the greatest things that we've done as a couple is attending multiple marriage conferences in our first years.  It's one of those things people don't think about; after all, a lot of the people that go to "those" conferences or take "that" class at church are going because they feel like there's something wrong or something missing.  That's not us, though.  We're happily married, and I would say we're happily married in part because we attended those conferences and took the knowledge to heart.

With that being said, I'd like to relay some of the things I've learned in these first five years.  My hope is that, if you're reading this, it serves as good advice, or even just a good reminder, of what being in a marital relationship entails.  And, if you're single or dating, hopefully it serves as good advice for what to look for in your future spouse.  And it starts with this:

FRIENDS.  You've got to be friends.

This is so basic, yet it falls away so easily in so many marriages.  You start out in that infatuation stage of the relationship, and everything is new and exciting.  You get married, you have the honeymoon phase...the excitement of living together, falling asleep and waking up in the same bed...other stuff (Hey, I'm a guy...it had to at least be alluded to...woo, sex!)...again, it's new.  It's fun.  It's exhilarating.  But eventually that wears off.  Eventually you fall into routine.  One or both of you get into (Or get back to) your jobs.  Maybe you have kids soon after marriage (We did).  Maybe you wait a while.  But you get into a routine.  And routine isn't fun.  It's...well, it's rather monotonous.  And, monotony breeds contempt.  If you're not friends, you're going to have problems.

Being friends is a huge advantage in any relationship.  Being married to your best friend is the best possible human relationship you can have.  I see both of these facts not only in my own marriage, but in both of my brothers' relationships.  Andrew dated his wife for nearly a decade before they married.  They are the definition of "high school sweethearts."  I said it at their wedding, and I stand by it: They've been through more than many married couples will ever go through.  And that holds true because so many people call it quits when things get tough.  They never did, and I have full confidence that they never will.  They are each others' best friends, and that makes a huge difference in their relationship.  The same is true of Mitchell.  Now, it's obviously different, as Mitchell is in high school and certainly isn't getting married any time soon.  But he's dating his best friend.  And he's her best friend.  And every time I see them together, it makes me happy, because I see them growing old together.  Hailee's basically a part of the family at this point, and I think that's awesome, because those two...they're true friends.  They started as friends, and they've grown it into something truly special.  I admire that about them.

Getting back to my own relationship, it definitely holds true.  Lindsay is undoubtedly my best friend.  I want to spend my time with her.  I like going on dates with her, I like hanging out at home with her, I like sitting next to her at church, I like talking with her (Even when she's talking about the girls from Teen Mom...and this is true of her as well, even when I'm talking about fantasy baseball)...I just like being with her.  I'm so glad that I'm building a family with this woman, because she is my friend.  And that's a huge advantage when you're married.  If you're not friends, it makes everything else a lot more difficult.



HOLD THE SAME CORE BELIEFS.  If you don't, it's going to be a constant battle.

I feel like this is something that get overlooked by too many people in the dating phase.  There are some really important talks that need to be had before marriage.  Where do you stand in your religious beliefs?  Do you want kids?  How many?  How are you going to raise them?  Who's going to work?  I could keep going, but I think you get the idea.  I'm not saying you have to plan out every second of your marriage, but you need to know these things.  If you want five kids and your potential spouse (Or current spouse) wants none, that's going to be a divisive issue in the marriage.  If you want to be a stay-at-home dad, but your wife expects you to work...first of all, she's right, but second of all, you will have huge fights about that.  You need to know these things before you get married.

Lindsay and I did this.  No, we didn't sit down and hash out where we stood on every little detail, but we did discuss things as we dated.  We met at church and knew each other for six years before we dated, so we knew we each held a strong belief in the religious area that matched up.  We got to know each others' personalities, so we got a decent idea of the type of parents we would be and how we would treat our kids (If you must know, Lindsay has expressed that Eli, Lily, and/or baby #3 do something that warrants it, her punishment will be something along the lines of wearing a bear suit while washing dishes when friends come over...yeah, she goes with the embarrassing punishments).  And we did have discussions on things like the number of kids (We're currently right in line with 3-4), education (We both want to finish our college degrees, and we both want our children to do their very best in school.  If their very best is a C average, that's fine, we just want them to do their best), and other topics of that ilk.  We know where we stand.  We don't agree on every single thing, but our core beliefs are the same, and that saves a whole lot of hassle.



FIGHT FOR EACH OTHER, NOT AGAINST EACH OTHER.

Okay, this one may need slightly more explanation, because yes, you're going to fight.  And you're going to fight each other.  But when I say fight for, not against, what I'm saying is this: Fight to make things better, not to win.  This is one of those things that sometimes takes years for couples to understand, and a lot of couples never get to the point where they learn it.  But when you fight, you've got to fight for the betterment of the marriage.

Lindsay will tell you herself, this was not an easy thing for her to learn, and she still struggles with it at times.  She's grown up as a "Yell the loudest and fight the hardest" type.  But this is something that's stuck with her from those marriage conferences I mentioned earlier.  Fighting to win makes everyone a loser.  You might get the "satisfaction" of the win, but all you've really done is put some bricks on a wall in your marriage.  The more you fight like that, the bigger that wall gets.  People's hearts get hardened, they give up, and they stop caring.

I'm a stonewaller.  Always have been.  I don't like being yelled at, and I shut down.  That's not a good way to fight, either.  All that's ever done in our marriage is make it seem like I don't care about what's being fought about and that I'm just hoping it will go away.  It's a different way to "win" the fight, but, again, the end results are the same.  Bitterness, resentment...hard hearts.

Thankfully, that's not how we fight.  It's been a growth process to get where we are, and I know it's something we continue to work on.  But being able to have an argument, being able to fight and actually come out the other side in love...that's how you fight.


LOVE & RESPECT.

Yeah, some of you knew that was coming.  You've probably taken that class or been to that conference.  The principle comes from Ephesians 5:21-33.  The ESV puts it, in part, like this: "For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord...For husbands, this means to love your wives, just as Christ loved the church."

Wives, you have to respect your husband.  Your husband needs to be shown that he is revered on some level.  I've heard it said before that, were it not for trying to impress women, men would still be living in caves.  I'm willing to believe that that's not too far off.  We'd probably have sports, though.  Men want to be respected.  We play sports because we want to be the best.  Or, if you're me, we play fantasy sports so you can hold it over the head of the rest of the men that you were the smartest one in the room.  This definitely translates to the man/woman relationship.  A woman who shows her husband respect, who says to him, "I see how hard you're working to provide for us," or, "Thank you for all the help you give me around the house," or even, "It makes me so happy to see how much you love the kids"...that woman is making her husband feel real, real good.

Men, you need to love your wives.  Moreover, you need to show her how much you love her.  This is definitely different than respect.  Telling your wife you appreciate that she did the dishes is not exactly going to make her feel loved (And you'll probably be called a sexist by her friends when she talks to them later).  Show her you love her....and show her you love her like you said you did when everything felt new (This next part serves as a really good reminder to myself, too).  Write her love letters.  Take her out to a nice dinner.  Go for a walk in the park and tell her how good she looks (And be specific...and don't be gross).  Tell her what you love about her, from the way she does her hair (Or the way it looks when it's air-dried), to how silly she is.  Tell her that you love that she's intelligent, and tell her that you love that she watches trash reality TV even though she's intelligent.  Tell her that you appreciate her sense of humor (Even when you raise your eyebrows at her because she just said some very strange thing).  Buy her flowers.  Buy her chocolates.  Buy her gifts.  Provide for her.  Talk to her.  Care for her.  Cherish her.  Love her.


Look, I could go on...and on...and on.  But it's almost 2 in the morning.  The point here is this: I've been married for five years.  These have been the best five years of my life.  I love my wife with everything I've got.  She's behind only God.  And I want more people to have that type of relationship, that type of love.  So take it to heart or remind yourself of it.  Whatever the case may be, I hope that, as Lindsay and I hit five years today, that you can use something that we've learned along the way in your own relationship.  And hopefully you can teach us and help us as we continue on in this crazy little life of ours.

Happy anniversary, Lindsay.  I love you so much more than one post on Facebook or on a blog could every really begin to express.